Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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