Old men and throwing up are my life now.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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