I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
