All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
