actually, I'm a sock model
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
