No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
