She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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