if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
