Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
