totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
