apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
FUCK WHALES
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
