6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
