he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
