I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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