I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
