if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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