Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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