I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
