so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
