would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Soap is not a condiment
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
