Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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