i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
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