i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize