Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
