Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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