i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
