I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
