I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Drake has all the answers
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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