the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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