I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
