Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
