I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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