you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
