so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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