You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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