Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I would ride that face into the sunset
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
