Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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