Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Help. Why am I so naked?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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