my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she looked like the before picture.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
