Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
