Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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