I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
