the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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