i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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