New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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