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i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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