You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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