3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
