ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
