I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
