Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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