He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
there is glitter all over my balls
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