She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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