That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
