drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
