I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
do herpes really smell.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
