its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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