hotel room ftw
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
