Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
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